Now Machine Noises Take Me Back To That Clinic

by (Wishes to remain Anonymous)

I found Jesus in February of 1995. Up until that point, I always believed I was a Christian, but, now I know that I was far from it.

In January of 1992, my husband of 13 years now and I began participating in a very un-christian lifestyle. This continued until the beginning of 1995. In this time, we were ruled by sex, drugs and anything else we could do to just "have fun".

I found out in June of 1992 that I was pregnant. I had been told by many doctors that I could no longer become pregnant due to severe scar tissue from miscarriages and infections. At that time, we had 2 children and with the unusual lifestyle we were enjoying, we truly did not know who the father was. My husband convinced me to have an abortion. I had always been against it, but, at that point, keeping my husband was more important. I agreed to the abortion and within a week, it was done. Even though the procedure itself was painless (to me), the memory of the sounds of the "machine", the doctors voice and the thought of what I had actually done, I cried for months and buried myself even farther in the drugs and alcohol. In January of 1993, I left my husband and children.

I was dating a man who amply supplied my habits, and I became pregnant again. The day before Mother's Day of 1993, this "man" drove me to Atlanta to some hole in the wall "clinic" for my second abortion. I was appalled at just how many women and young girls were there. We had to sit through a 2-hour education class and then if we still wanted to "go through with it", make an appointment for later that afternoon. I was ready to walk out right then and go home. This "man" I was dating convinced me to stay or he would leave me there in a city I knew nothing about and no money to get home. I felt as though I had no choice, so I did it, again.

I spent the next day, Mother's Day, locked up in my house with my booze and drugs, feeling the shame and guilt, even ignoring the only two live children I had.

My husband and I reconciled in July of 1993. He was the one that got me through Mother's Day without killing myself. We had agreed that we would no longer live this questionable lifestyle and be devoted to our family. Two days before was the last time I was with the other "man". Behind my husband's back, I was still doing drugs and drinking to drown out the feelings over the abortions. In October of 1993, we found out I was just under 4 months pregnant. We fought because there was no way to know for sure if this was my husband's child. I stood my ground and refused to even consider the thought of doing it, again. I told my husband that he could stay or leave, but, either way, I was having this child. He stayed and never once brought up the subject of abortion. Adoption, yes, but not abortion.

Gabriele is now 6 years old and a beautiful, strong, healthy girl enjoying life with us. My husband loves her very much and we have talked about her questionable parentage. My husband (what a blessing) does not even consider this child not being his. Whether by blood or not, Gabriele is his through love.

It haunts me (and my husband) everyday of what we allowed ourselves to do. We could come up with thousands of excuses, but, we don't. We carry this with us everyday. We rarely talk about it, but when we do, it is very emotional for both of us. There is not a day goes by that I don't think about my children. I wonder if one day when I die, if I shall have the chance to meet them and love them the way I should have in the beginning.

I hear women say that their abortion(s) is behind them and they have moved on. I know that is not possible. I can be walking down the street and hear a noise that sounds like that "machine" and I am there again. I hear a man's voice similar to the doctor's and I am there again. Everytime I hear of an abortion clinic or hear in the news of another succesful one, I cring. I feel my children's pain of not being loved, wanted or cared for. And, I physically feel their dismemberment and throw up. I know that I did this to them. I did not do it to me. I did it to them.

Abortions should be illegal. I know that if they were, I would have 2 healthy, happy children to go along with my other 3. I can assure you, that any woman who has had an abortion, will regret it. It may take some time, but, they will.

I have made some very horrible mistakes in my life. The only thing I can do from here on out is teach my children differently. The value of life (from conception) is a wonderful thing. A child is a blessing from God. Being the ungrateful humans that we are, we throw it back in his face.

Collectively, as a society, we make our own rules and bend His to suit our own needs. I can only imagine the wrath that we are to endure for our trangressions.

Thanks for listening. I thought maybe you would like to know my story and how making such a horrible mistake effects someone's life. If I could broadcast my feelings, pain, heartache, shame and life as it is now, after the fact, to the world and really make them FEEL what I feel everyday, abortion would no longer be readily available.

Just a quick thought you should know. Neither time before the "procedure" was I asked for identification, proof of age or anything. As long as I had the cash in my hand, it was no questions asked. So these so called laws to protect minors from abortions unless they have parental consent are a farce. I am 30 years old and still mistaken for my 10 year olds older sister. If I still appear that young now, imagine how young I looked at 22/23.....something to think about.

I respect very much what you are doing. If I had run into you back then, my life would be very different now. May you be blessed for every life that you have saved and all the ones in the future!

Your Sister in Christ, (Anonymous)

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